MORGANTOWN, WV - Prospective voters in the upcoming Democratic primary here today revealed that they had no idea before today that likely nominee Sen. Barack Obama was, in fact, black.
“All this time I assumed he just had a serious tan”, said Susie Bilgebright of Huffington Gulch, “It wasn’t until Senator Clinton’s comments today explaining that he was a negro and therefore not someone I should vote for did I realize. What a relief, I almost voted for him based on what he stood for when all along it was clear that I should vote for Sen. Clinton, who is white like me.”
Other white voters in states like Virginia, North Carolina, California and New York expressed similar anguish over their votes. “I went into the voting booth thinking about character and competence when I know now that a vote for Obama was a vote against the white race,” said Ernest Schatter of Greensboro, NC.
In a hastily organized press conference with his wife at his side, Senator Obama came out of the closet and admitted “I am a black American”.
WASHINGTON - After a daylong meeting between Senator Hillary Clinton and her campaign’s top advisors and staffers, this reporter has learned of a decision to portray the mathematically certain nomination of Senator Barack Obama as the byproduct of a time traveling DeLorean car that has created, in the words of communications director Howard Wolfson, an “alternate timeline.”
In extended comments Wolfson said, “we intend to show that sometime in late January of 2008 this time traveling DeLorean somehow altered history. In the original, true timeline Senator Clinton won all the states on Super Tuesday and quickly became the Democratic nominee for president. Yet, right now Senator Obama is going to be the nominee and that disruption of the space time continuum is clearly to blame.”
Top advisor Harold Ickes plans to show superdelegates a Powerpoint presentation set to a Huey Lewis soundtrack with what he claims is irrefutable evidence of a disrupted timeline. “On the left is Gov. Bill Richardson before the incident, and on the right is the more evil more bearded Bill Richardson now claiming to have endorsed Obama.”, Ickes said, “It’s obviously a paradox.”
In addition to the public relations outreach, Senator Clinton herself plans on Monday to introduce The Zemeckis Act into law. The bill is formally known as S. 1985 Authorizing the creation of a clock tower with which to harness the 1.21 Jigowatts needed to power a DeLorean in order to create some “serious shit”.
Attempts were made to contact former advisors James Carville and Paul Begala but friends and family reported that they had faded away as if ghosts. Mary Matalin repeatedly insisted she had no idea who James Carville was, acting almost as if the pundit and guru had been erased from history due to meddling in the time stream.
Senator Clinton refused to speak about the issue on the record, but her office issued a short statement indicating that she “gotta get back in time”.
Following in the footsteps of other bloggers like Jeralyn Merritt and Armando, I must urge the superdelegates, the media and other creative class left blogs to be aware of something before it is too late. I’ve crunched the numbers, looked them over again and again, then again with a sprinkling of eye of newt and found the weakness in Barack Obama’s candidacy:
He’s getting too many votes.
In 32 out of the 47 contests more people have voted and caucused for Sen. Obama than for Sen. Clinton. Why is the media not reporting on this? They spend so much time on the slicing and dicing of the electorate highlighting ad nauseam which blocs are voting for and against a candidate when the writing is on the wall.
More people are voting for Sen. Obama and that’s a huge problem in the fall. If we extrapolate this trend, it’s possible that he could, in the general election, have more votes than any other presidential candidate in history! The nomination process will be a mockery of the highest order if Howard Dean and the DNC sit back and allow the person with the most votes and most supporters to walk away with the nomination. This isn’t what we all signed up for.
I hope the other hopelessly biased pro-Obama blogs like the sinister Josh Marshall, the Great Orange Satan, and Huffington Post all stop taking those bags of cash from David Plouffe and understand the path they’re marching down.
Do you really want to live in a country where the leading vote getter worms his way into the nomination for one of the two major parties in America?
Kardashian revealed her choice for prez at the launch party for Joe Francis’ Girls Gone Wild magazine.
But then Kardashian dropped an even bigger bomb: She had dinner with the Illinois senator!
Candlelight? Followed by a movie? Sadly, no on both accounts; Kardashian quickly explained that their dinner was anything but one-on-one: “It wasn’t just him and I. I was at an event.”
“He just seemed very firm about the change, and that’s, like, his motto,” Kardashian said, probably trying to allude to Obama’s “Change We Can Believe In” campaign slogan.
This is clearly an astute political observer. And at the launch of Girls Gone Wild magazine, no less. Yes, Kim, many of us are firm about the change.
There is not a single instance of political discourse in the history of this nation in which the participants did not want to simply kick their opponent in the balls.
