Condi Rice has a problem.
The U.S. is not preparing for war against Iran and Vice President Dick Cheney supports that policy, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice says, taking a swipe at a U.N. official who says he is worried about “crazies” who want to start bombing.
“The president of the United States has made very clear what our policy is. That policy is supported by all the members of his Cabinet and by the vice president of the United States,” Rice said Friday.
“The president has made clear that we are on a diplomatic course,” she said in regard to U.S. opposition to Iran’s nuclear ambitions.
I can’t imagine why the world (and many Americans) don’t believe you. It’s not like we have had, in recent history, the planning and execution of a major war you claimed wasn’t being planned or anything.
Nope, this is a total mystery. A real head-scratcher.
This is Dungeons & Dragons foreign policy. We enter a new country, kill the exotic folks there resisting the invasion and take their stuff. Iran is the dungeon down the road.
“You enter a dark room with strange writing on the wall. Down the hall to the east you can hear unearthly moans. You are suddenly attacked by a 7th Level Diplomatic Situation!”
Can I teleport out of here?
No. The pungent smell of mildew fills the air. You look into the darkness, and there’s an ogre.
George: My paladin orders his followers to charge!
Dick: My wizard casts fireball.
DM Diamond: Do you have the material component for that?
Dick: Aw, I ripped out my heart to cast magic missile.
DM Diamond: No, Dick, bat shit is the material component.
Dick: Can I use George Tenet’s heart instead?
DM Diamond: Is this really necessary?
Dick: I hold aloft George Tenet’s heart and shout, “Eat firey death, scantily clad girls of …” wait, Lynne has been writing in my spellbook again!
DM Diamond: Your spell backfires and hits an old man standing behind you, who fails his Reflex save.
Dick: Dammit, I turn around and Intimidate him into apologizing! I roll a 17, plus my Intimidate modifier of +9 and +6 from my Heartless Bastard feat.
DM Diamond: Heartless Bastard feat?
Dick: I found it in the Book of Vile Darkness.
DM Diamond: The old man apologizes for getting the way of your spell misfire.
Dick: And don’t you forget it, klutz!
George: Hey, what’s happening to my followers?
DM Diamond: The ogre makes quick work of them.
George: No problem. I took all the feats to give me a Rich Spoiled Brat background. I’ll just get more followers!
DM Diamond: Ogre bin Laden picks up his greatclub and leaves.
George: Where is he?
DM Diamond: Roll a Spot check.
George: Natural 20!
DM Diamond: But you have the Ignores Real Danger flaw, so you have a -5 to the check.
George: Hey, who needs a good Spot check when you have the sage Rummy telling you where danger is?
DM Diamond: Well, a 15 isn’t enough to find the ogre.
Dick: Ogre bin Laden must have a really high Hide score.
DM Diamond: No, George is just a putz.
L
M
A
O
Love it! Want moar!
George: Diamond, I use my detect evil ability. Do I sense evil?
DM Diamond: Yes. Dick is right next to you. Karl is behind you, and so’s Pat Robertson. You also detect yourself.
George: Whooo! It works!
Karl: What about the ogre?
DM Diamond: He left in disgust. He decided you guys were too pathetic to kill.
Dick: We routed Ogre bin Laden.
Karl, George, Pat, Dick: Huzzah!
Karl: What do we get for experience?
DM Diamond: You don’t.
Karl: Technically, irritiating the monster into leaving counts as defeating the challenge. Check your Dungeon Masters Guide.
DM Diamond: Fine, I’ll give everyone 500 xp just so Karl will shut up.
Karl: I gained a new level.
DM Diamond: Hold on, you just gained 6th level last time. You need 6,000 xp get another level.
Karl: I gained the level.
DM Diamond. Let me look at your character sheet.
Dick: I can assure you that the intelligence shows that Karl’s rogue gained a level.
DM Diamond: Bullshit. Give me the sheet.
Karl hands Diamond his sheet.
DM Diamond: (looks over sheet) I’ve never seen a Diebold character sheet before. Is that like Mad Irishman’s or Ema’s?
Karl: It rules. It displays all the information you need to know on one sheet.
DM Diamond: Well, you’re right. You have 21,003 xp. I don’t know how you got that …
Karl: I was playing in Tony Blair’s game on Wednesday.
DM Diamond: That must have been one intense game. Anyways, roll your hit points.
Karl rolls a six-sided die.
Karl: A six!
George: That Karl, he rolls so good. I should let him do all my rollin’.
Dick: You do.
DM Diamond: That’s the third level in a row for which you’ve rolled a six, Karl. Give me that die. (takes die) Karl, this die is loaded. I can tell because your six side is filed down and there’s some epoxy on the one side. (hands Karl one of his dice) Roll this one. (Karl rolls a one) Now add your Con bonus to that one, Karl. (Diamond takes his die back)
George: Well, now that we’ve kicked Ogre bin Laden’s ass, where should we go next?
Dick: Let’s go ask the sage Rummy again!
DM Diamond: Alright, you leave the dungeon and head to the high hills to see sage Rummy. The days take a toll on your rations because the evil druid Gale Norton has despoiled all life in area. Mark off two days of rations. (Looks up from behind screen, and at that point, players pause before they pick up their pencils to really mark off the rations) The sage Rummy lives in a tower guarded by soldiers with no armor.
George: Has Rummy given all of them bracerers of armor +4?
DM Diamond: No, he’s cheap and won’t spend his gold pieces on armor.
Dick: Let’s see the sage. We knock on the door.
DM Diamond: A thin man with sunken cheeks opens the door. “The sage Rummy will see you now,” he says. “You are the Spice Girls, right?”
George: Heck no!
DM Diamond: The creepy guy gives a downcast “Oh” and explains, “He was expecting the Spice Girls. He saw them in his crystal ball.” He leads you up a spindly staircase and opens the door. Beyond it, you see sage Rummy, decked out in red. He is hunched over a crystal ball, and in it, you can see indistinct figures, swirls of black clouds and scenes of battle.
George: Can he change the channel? I want to watch “American Idol.”
DM Diamond: No. He looks up at you, and asks, “Are you the Spice Girls?”
Pat: No. What the hell is it with the Spice Girls?
DM Diamond: Sage Rummy explains, “I saw them coming in my crystal ball. I especially awaited Posh Spice. Now, tell me, why have you come here?”
George: We seek new adventure and fame and fartoon!
DM Diamond: Rummy smiles. “I know a land filled with powerful dragons that breathe fire and rule the land and its sundry peoples. Brave adventurers like yourselves would find a great adventure in Farkathae.”
Dick: No, no, none of that. We’re mid-level now, and none of that dragon stuff. We’ll be eaten alive.
DM Diamond: Rummy frowns, pauses, and starts again. “I know of another place, ruled by an insane wizard who is researching an epic spell. He has turned his whole population into zombies. It is the land of Hanguk.”
George: Nah, I don’t want nothin’ to do with no hangin’ kook.
Pat: Brother Marion won’t go anywhere near an insane wizard. He might lose his chance of god call.
DM Diamond: Sage Rummy sighs. “Well,” he says, “there is another land, Interflumina, between two rivers filled with black gold. It is ruled by the aging troll sorcerer Sodamoosain, an old friend of mine who uses his run-down army of lame kobolds to keep order, and it is rumored he has old magical defenses.”
Dick: What sort of magical defenses?
DM Diamond: (as sage Rummy) “Well, there are known knowns. There are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say there are things that we now know we don’t know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don’t know we don’t know. So when we do the best we can and we pull all this information together, and we then say well that’s basically what we see as the situation, that is really only the known knowns and the known unknowns. And each year, we discover a few more of those unknown unknowns.”
Dick: What the hell did he just say?
Karl: I have no idea, but trolls have a -4 Cha penalty, so a troll sorcerer should be a pushover.
DM Diamond pulls his Monster Manual out of Karl’s hands, closes it and whacks Karl on the head with it.
George: Where are those magical defenses at?
DM Diamond: Rummy hunches over his crystal ball and peers into it. “They’re in the area around Rikitikitavi and Dangnabbit and east, west, south, and north somewhat.”
Dick: I look into the ball. What’s going on?
DM Diamond: You see a thing which cannot be described, but most closely resembles an green, sticky spawn of the stars, with flabby claws and an awful squid-head with writhing feelers. It flickers, then it goes away, and you see a man kicking in a seat, a fat man pulling him from behind.
George: Aw, can he get Skinemax?
Karl: Let’s go.
DM Diamond: As you turn to leave, the sage stops you. “I need you to go to Witts End and deliver a package to a winter wolf who hangs out around the outskirts of town. He is an astute planner and knows Interflumina well.”
George: Karl, you take the package.
Karl: I take the package. (aside to DM Diamond) Say, can I make George carry the package on a Sleight of Hand check?
DM Diamond: (aside to Karl) Yes. Roll.
Karl: (still aside) (roll and a nudge) 26.
DM Diamond: No way Sir Walker will make that Spot check. He has the package in his backpack now.
Dick: Off to Witts End!
DM Diamond: Witts End is a sleepy hamlet two days to the south, just to the north of Interflumina. (lifts head from above the screen) Rations, boys. As you approach the outskirts of town, (rolls some dice) everyone but Sir Walker notices a dart of white among the evergreens.
Karl: Whatever. Let’s get to Witts End so Diamond stops making us tick off rations!
DM Diamond: You come closer to town, but a huge white wolf jumps out in front of you. Roll Initiative!
(roll) (roll and a nudge) (rolls die in front of George) (roll)
George: Karl, how come you roll better for you than you do for me?
Karl: Improved Initiative, sir.
DM Diamond: Karl, as always, you go first. What does Tian do?
Karl: Tian hides in the nearest bush.
DM Diamond: You don’t have Hide in Plain Sight yet.
Karl: (roll and a nudge) A natural 20!
DM Diamond: Whatever. Pat, what does Brother Marion do?
Pat: He jumps behind Sir Walker and starts praying.
Dick: Don’t you have hold person memorized?
Pat: Hell no! You guys got pissed off the last time I ran out of healing spells, so I filled up my slots with those.
Karl: But clerics can cast healing spells spontaneously.
Pat: Not Brother Marion. I convinced Diamond to let him spontaneously cast Send Money spells.
Dick: Then why not buy potions of healing with all that money?
Pat: Not until my new castle is finished.
DM Diamond: The winter wolf stands in front of you. “Puny mortals! I smell something for me on the fool with the sword in front of me!” He then jumps on Sir Walker. (rolls dice) George, you need to roll a grapple check.
(Karl picks up a die and rolls it in front of George)
DM Diamond: You lost that grapple check.
George: No way. (grabs a die) Best of three.
DM Diamond: No deals, George. He opens your backpack and uses his teeth to drag out the package that sage Rummy gave you guys.
George: Hey, I thought he gave it to Tian!
Karl: (waves his hand in front his face) No, he gave the package to Sir Walker.
George: (robotically) He gave the package to Sir Walker.
DM Diamond: I wish I could learn that trick, Karl. Anyhow, he rips open the package with his teeth, and out of it he pulls the pickled head of Colin Powell.
Dick: So that’s what the sage did with the body.
DM Diamond: The wolf drags its prize away from Sir Walker’s backpack, sets it down in front of him so its lifeless eyes gaze at you, and starts to speak. “Ah, I see you have come from Rummy. Are you folks going to Persia to loot the place?”
Dick: Persia?
George: He said something about Innertubin’.
DM Diamond: (as the wolf) “Pity, but with the spoils of Interflumina, you fools can easily bring Persia to its knees! But I get ahead of myself. I am the Wolf of Witts End, and I am an expert on Interflumina and the wicked troll Sodamoosain. I shall lead you through the pass to Interflumina so you can undertake your invasion.”
Karl: How did you become an expert on Interflumina? Were you a prisoner there or somethin’?
DM Diamond: (still as the Wolf of Witts End) No, I stayed at a Holiday Inn last night. And you will stay there tonight.” With that, he points to the inn at the edge of town. “You have one night of fun before you undertake the quest wherein you prove your manhood.”
Dick: Let’s go to the inn!
DM Diamond: The inn is a sleepy tavern at the edge of town, with a few tired locals and–
George: ‘Nuff of this crap. Where’s the barmaid and her sister?
Pat: Are there any girls there? If there are any girls there I wanna do them!
Karl: I point my rapier at the bartender and demand a pint of ale!
Dick: I grab the first local I see and shove him into a table!
DM Diamond: One thing at a time. Since George is the only one of you with a Charisma score in double digits, he gets his pick of the women. George, make a Bluff check.
(Karl rolls a die in front of George)
George: Woohoo! A 19!
DM Diamond: (rolls a die) Yeah, with your Bluff skill that will easily be enough to seduce the barmaid and her sister. You go off into the next room with them. Now, Pat, there’s one other woman there, and she looks at you, twirling her necklace of cubic zirconia.
Pat: (rolls his Bluff check) Uh, a 3?
DM Diamond: For 20 gp, that won’t matter.
Pat: Woot!
DM Diamond: And he goes off for the night. Karl, you easily overpower the bartender and start drinking the fiercest dwarven ale behind the bar.
Karl: Roll to see if I’m getting drunk.
DM Diamond: (rolls) You’re toasted. Dick, there’s a yokel in front of the bar, he’s nursing a Shirley Temple.
Dick: I shove him.
DM Diamond: He quakes in his rags.
Dick: Did you look at me funny, boy! I Intimidate him. (rolls) A 23 after all my bonuses!
DM Diamond: He drops to his knees and begs, “Please, sir wizard, don’t hurt me!”
Dick: Bruce Almighty never grants mercy. I hold aloft Joe Biden’s spine and–
Karl: Hold on. How did you get Joe Biden’s spine? I didn’t think he had one.
Dick: Shut up! I hold aloft Joe Biden’s spine and shout, “I shall suck the life from you and throw you in a pit filled with Playboy bunnies, you pathetic creature!” and cast vampiric touch on him.
DM Diamond: Well, vampiric touch doesn’t have a material component, but I’m so impressed that you have Joe Biden’s spine that I’ll let that one slip. Roll to hit. (Dick rolls) Well, that will easily beat his touch AC of 10. He falls to the floor dead.
Dick: Teaches you not to mess with Bruce Almighty!
DM Diamond: I’m sure that NPC had a family, Dick.
Dick: Maybe his mother loved him, but I’ve never met anybody who does. He’s never won anything, as best I can tell
Genius. Sheer genius.
DM Diamond: Alright, guys, Sir Walker has his twins, and –
George: Hey, you didn’t say they were twins! Woohoo!
DM Diamond: Just for you, George. Anyways, Brother Marion has his saloon whore, Tian passes out drunk and –
George: And twins!
DM Diamond: (glares at George, who is giggling to himself) and Dick … well, Dick, I assume Bruce sleeps because he needs to reprepare his spells.
Dick: As a creature of the night Bruce Almighty never sleeps! But he rests just to satisfy puny spell memorization requirements.
DM Diamond: Uh, okeh. Anyways, Sir Walker wakes up and bids his ladies –
George: And twins!
(DM Diamond grabs his die bag with the huge dice and whallops George on the head. Twice.)
DM Diamond: They’re gone, off chewing their gum. Karl, Tian has a huge headache. It hurts when Brother Marion pisses, and Dick … I’m sure Bruce did something unspeakable.
George: (air guitar) Why does it hurt when I pee? Dah-nuh Why does it hurt when I pee? Dah-nuh I don’t want no doc–
(Pat picks up a Dungeon Masters Guide, smashes it in George’s face and pours Mountain Dew in his lap.)
George: Hey!
DM Diamond: Give Brother Marion 250 xp for that, Pat.
Pat: That doesn’t make up for the disease.
Dick: Just heal yourself. You’re 5th level.
Pat: But I don’t have remove disease memorized. I had to make sure I had both send money and cure serious wounds memorized.
Dick: But you just said you can cast send money spontaneously.
Pat: I’m worried that Jack Chick might tell Jesus about this game and he might get become upset and deny access to my spontaneous casting.
DM Diamond: I guess Brother Marion has urinary tract problems until the next day, so he’s -2 to all attack rolls, saving throws, skill checks and attribute checks until then. Alright, you leave the inn, and the Wolf of Witts End greets you with a scowl. “Puny humans.”
George: Let’s go to the pass!
DM Diamond: The wolf treks through the forest and over the snow. You guys follow, unless you’re comple– nevermind, you guys follow. After a half day, you look down from between a pair of mountains into Interflumina. The wolf lifts his paw and points. “There is where you shall go.” He turns around and walks back.
Dick: Hold on, he’s going with us, right?
DM Diamond: He says, “I shall not go with you, for Interflumina is weak enough that even four pathetic wretches like yourselves and a few thousand of Sir Walker’s followers can handle it. It will be a cakewalk. The people will throw rose petals at your feet.”
George: Aw, this is bullshit. Followers, attack the wolf!
DM Diamond: The wolf breathes his breath weapon and your followers turn to ice.
George: Dammit! Now I gotta use the next line of followers!
Dick: Well, as Rummy would say, you go to war with the army you have, not the army you might want or wish to have at a later time.
George: Right. Followers, into the pass!
Frank, you keeping up? You’re strangely silent. LoL!
DM Diamond: You charge into the pass behind Sir Walker’s followers. In the valley, you see about twenty kobolds with leather armor, shields and spears and a pair of trolls off to their left. What do you do?
Dick: Attack the kobolds!
George: Men, take the trolls! Your leader will show you how to handle dangerous kobolds!
DM Diamond: Roll initiative!
(roll) (roll in front of George) (roll and a nudge) (roll)
George: A 12.
Karl: 26.
Pat: Ulp … 4.
Dick: 11.
DM Diamond: As always, Karl goes first.
Karl: I jump in front of the first kobold and plunge my rapier into him.
DM Diamond: Ah, he’s flat-footed, so a rare frontal assault from Tian. Roll to hit.
(Roll and a nudge)
Karl: An 18. That could be a crit … (roll and a nudge) Well, does a 14 hit?
DM Diamond: Hell yes. Damage?
Karl: With the sneak attack, 16 points.
DM Diamond: He is so dead. The kobolds are next. (rolls a bunch of dice) Bruce Almighty takes (rolls) 2 points of damage a flying javelin; the others miss. George, your turn.
George: I slaughtemerate the goblin threatening Bruce! (Karl leans over and rolls) A 15 hits, right?
DM Diamond: Yeah. These guys are first level kobold warrior conscripts, so they’re pretty lame. Roll damage (Karl leans over and rolls) 3 points won’t kill him, however. Dick?
Dick: I smoke one with my wand of magic missiles! (Roll) 3 points!
DM Diamond: He’s hanging on. Pat?
Pat: I hit the one Dick just hit with my mace. (rolls) Goddamn it, a 7!
(a few minutes of this, and all the kobolds are dead)
DM Diamond: You stand above the bodies of the kobolds and see the last of Sir Walker’s followers fall to the trolls.
Dick: How are they looking?
DM Diamond: They’ve taken a few nicks here and there. They stand back to back and see you.
Dick: I hold aloft Nancy Pelosi’s eyeballs smeared in bat shit and shout, “Lusty busty maidens of Cleveland, I’m your gal!” No, that’s not right … fuck it, fireball ‘em! (rolls a bunch of d6s)
DM Diamond: (rolls) Neither one made his Reflex save, and one took enough earlier to drop. Anyone want to do something?
George: Does he look beat up?
DM Diamond: He’s pretty bad.
George: I charge!
DM Diamond: (rolls) He rolls his attack of opportunity as you come and you take (rolls) 8 points of damage.
George: I hold aloft my ancestral flaming longsword and put it in his face! (Karl leans over and rolls) Crit? (Karl leans over and rolls again) Crit this, bitch!
DM Diamond: He doesn’t have enough hit points left to sustain a crit, so he’s toast. The rest of you start pouring oil on the trolls to keep them from regenerating.
George: Dammit, I need to contact my dad the king so he can send me more redshirts. I pull out my special family crystal ball and beg for backup. Say, Pat, can Brother Marion heal this damage?
Pat: Sure. (rolls) It’s back.
Karl: Let’s go onto Dangnabbit. I turn and –
Dick: (irate) Hey, bucko, over here. Two points!
DM Diamond: Hey, this is a good stopping point. I gotta go to work tomorrow.
Dick: No. A little while longer.
DM Diamond: No, seriously. I have a job.
Karl: Call Diamond’s work and tell his boss that he’s quitting. Order of the President.
DM Diamond: Alright, alright, you win. I can take a sick day. Wandering through the chaos the battle has left, you climb up the mountain of human flesh to a plateau of green grass and green trees full of life. From there, you can see Dangnabbit, the capitol city Interflumina and residence of Sodamoosain.
George: We need to wait here until my dad sends reinforcements. Then they can take the city!
DM Diamond: To your right, you see a flash of light, and you notice that a huge man in a suit of full plate is walking towards you.
Dick: No! It’s the Governator!
George: Run for my life!
Karl: Doesn’t the Governator come through naked?
DM Diamond: Very perceptive, Karl, and he also doesn’t drag a walrus behind him on a leash. He comes towards you and opens his mask and under it, you see the small head of Duke Holizho.
Dick: Duke Holizho! What are you doing under all that armor.
DM Diamond: (as Duke Holizho) “I figured it was safe to come out here in this, now that you guys were on the scene.”
George: Duke Holizho, where are the reinforcements my dad is sending?
DM Diamond: (as Duke Holizho) “This is it. His attack walrus. Count Reid has been hemming and hawing on levying reinforcements. But I managed to get the attack walrus here. You guys gotta go into the city first, though.”
(George, Dick, Karl and Pat look at each other, ashen faced.)
DM Diamond: (as Duke Holizho) “Don’t worry, I talked to the Wolf of Witts End, and he said they would throw rose petals at our feet.”
George: Well, I dunno …
Dick: Well, George, you’re the leader, lead the way.
George: Yes, sir. Guys, (looks nervously around), we’re going in.
DM Diamond: Your crew moves a little more cautiously, I suppose, to the city of Dangnabbit. As you enter the city, the townsfolk line the streets to see you. After a few minutes, they run into their homes.
George: Run, if you know what’s good for you!
DM Diamond: And then they come out again, with baskets. They reach into the baskets, and out of them throw a handful of rose petals at your feet. They murmur and chant in awe of you.
Pat: Wow, the wolf was right!
(DM Diamond rolls, scribbles, and hands a note to Dick)
Dick: Hey, guys, I just passed a Spellcraft check. It turns out, they’re trying to cast a mass, special ritual version of sleep that works at a higher level.
Pat: Neat! What does that mean?
Dick: Well … I think … they’re trying to cast it on us.
Pat, Dick, George, Karl: Fuuuuuck!
(The players start slaughtering all the commoners. After a few minutes of furious die rolling, the commoners are all dead.)
DM Diamond: Stepping out of the role for a moment, you could have just disrupted them.
Dick: We did disrupt them. Permanently.
DM Diamond: Through the carnage, you see an old man moaning, his innards coming out. He grabs at Brother Marion. Did any of you take ranks in Arabic?
(blank stares)
Nevermind. He tugs at Brother Marion’s cross, trying to hold it close to his wounds.
Pat: I bet he’s a fag. Is he a fag?
DM Diamond: What?!
Pat: I asked if this NPC was gay.
DM Diamond: I don’t know.
Pat: Well, you’re the DM. You’re the one who makes that determination.
DM Diamond: I didn’t think it was important. Fine, he’s an old man who is an aging, raving heterosexual who wants you to heal him so he can go fuck some young sorority girl.
Pat: I think you’re full of shit and that he’s a raving homo. Why doesn’t he pay for his healing?
DM Diamond: You guys totaled his home, and Sir Walker shoved a sword into his intestines.
Dick: Pat has a point. We’re not in the business of giving charity. He should have worked harder. If he did, he would be just fine right now.
Karl: Or if he inherited the money.
Dick: Or inherited the money. Thanks, Karl.
DM Diamond: While you guys are bickering, you see another hulking suit of armor from Texassia, preceded by two heralds.
George: Shit, someone might see. I lay my hands on this lazy homo to heal him. I make sure the guys from back home can see.
DM Diamond: Your fellow Texasses stop in front of you. The new man in armor lifts up his face plate, and you see him to be Duke Micane.
George: Fuck, I wasted healing to heal some queer in front of Micane? I drive my sword through the old man.
DM Diamond: Alright …
George: Well, what does Micane want?
DM Diamond: Duke Micane puts his hand on your shoulder. “Good news. Count Reid is still hemming and hawing, but your dad hust ignored him and sending more redshirts.”
George: Great.
DM Diamond: (as Duke Micane) “But guys, before you kill all these Interfluminians, treat them humanely. No torture or nude human pyramids.”
Dick: Whatever. I kick some kid in the balls and give him a wedgie and give Micane the finger.
DM Diamond: He turns his back and holds his breath. His face is turning blue.
Karl: I piss in his mouth when he passes out.
DM Diamond: Crude and gross, Karl, but not abnormal for you guys, and it’s not like Duke Micane will complain. Now, you see the palace of Sodamoosain in front of you. Its guards see you and flee in fear.
Pat: Damn! Does this mean we have to go in and face Sodamoosain?
DM Diamond: Yes.
Karl: That’s fucking railroading. And we’re not prepared to fight Sodamoosain.
DM Diamond: I watered him down just for you pussies.
Dick: Bullshit. You said the same thing about those Towelieban orcs.
DM Diamond: I made a hoarde of them, all first level warriors with no magic items or backup spellcasters.
Dick: They should have been commoners. And they should have had better loot.
George: I send in my followers.
Pat: I look around. Is there a good place to hide?
DM Diamond: (shakes his head) There’s a bunker to your right.
George: Good. Into the bunker.
DM Diamond: You open the door to the bunker, and you see a troll in it with a bushy black moustache.
George, Pat, Karl, Dick: No! It’s Sodamoosain!
Dick: I book it.
Pat: I’m ahead of him.
George: I have my followers carry me.
DM Diamond: He calls out, “Hey, I want to negotiate!”
Dick: I don’t hear him. I’m running too fast.
DM Diamond: Fine, fine. The walrus starts shouting at the troll. Karl, you’re in the way, make a Fortitude save.
Karl: Why?
DM Diamond: He’s using a shout spell-like ability.
Karl: What the hell does that do?
DM Diamond: It makes a really foul sound and causes damage.
Karl: How the hell can it do that?
DM Diamond: He’s singing Michael Bolton tunes.
Karl: I start running.
DM Diamond: Too late.
Karl: I try to grab Holizho’s helmet.
DM Diamond: He closes the face plate and says, “Remember, in the case of Sonic Attack, Survival means every man for himself!”
Karl: I get out of the way.
DM Diamond: If you don’t roll the saving throw, you automatically fail.
Karl: I was runnning away! You just didn’t hear me.
DM Diamond: (throws dice bag across room) Fuck this! You guys are fucking pathetic! I have a wife and daughter to feed; I’m going home.
Dick: I’m afraid we can’t allow that.
(A bunch of Secret Service guys jump on Diamond. Three weeks later, we see him again, wearing bright orange and on a Carribean island.)
DM Diamond: Seriously, guys, the game is really fun. It will help us pass the time faster. Now, how do you say “dwarf” in Arabic?
azuwsrmnh iaxdyo bgxa jgsdyinl cuzxgn oprtul iexsyz
iflrh dkuixozep frsjmxpu tlpq vpumxsq fsngiovm irpmkoeqx http://www.tpcxmlfeh.qykadjo.com