Secret Provision In Stimulus Bill Forces Gay Muslim Marriage

8:53 pm EST February 17th, 2009 | News | 10 Comments

(DENVER) — A senior administration official has confirmed that within the $800 billion stimulus package signed into law today by President Obama, there is a secret provision forcing Americans to enter into gay Muslim marriages.

The precise wording of the legislation is still not known as it is spelled out backwards in pig latin and invisible ink (like the mandatory health care provision). But a listener of Rush Limbaugh detailed the process by which a middle class white male would be forcibly removed from his home – particularly in the south – then frog marched “up the road aways” and be forced at gunpoint to marry the nearest male deemed compatible by the secret government computers “what is run by Google.”

Robert Gibbs, White House press secretary, flatly denied the allegation. But according to a post on FreeRepublic.com he clearly sent out a hidden message by shifting his eyebrows. “Gay marriage… by Allah… it is done.”

For months now rumors have circulated that the President – who may actually be a Kenyan double agent named Barry “Hoops” Sotero – planned to engage in serious social engineering, but as our source on Capitol Hill (one “E. Cantor”) explained to us “He’s doing it in secret, in ways only conservatives seem to be able to decipher. Please, get the truth out!”

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10 Responses to “Secret Provision In Stimulus Bill Forces Gay Muslim Marriage”

  1. rat_bastard says:
    February 17, 2009 at 9:01 pm

    eh, still better than having McCain as president.

  2. durablend says:
    February 17, 2009 at 9:07 pm

    Are they going to have an abortion forced on them as well?

  3. limulus says:
    February 17, 2009 at 9:55 pm

    Well at least we’ll still have our guns!

  4. Ms. Missive says:
    February 18, 2009 at 4:46 am

    Is this from The Onion? Hilarious!

  5. merl says:
    February 18, 2009 at 6:17 am

    Don’t you mean Muslin?

  6. Duros62 says:
    February 18, 2009 at 10:55 am

    Don’t you mean Muslin?

    Certainly not. Who would wear muslin to a gay wedding?
    HONESTLY!

  7. Oliver Willis says:
    February 18, 2009 at 11:59 am

    Is this from The Onion?
    Actually its from The Oliver.

  8. I'm a Hick says:
    February 18, 2009 at 12:27 pm

    There’s now a link to Muslima.com, ‘The International Muslim Matromonial Site,’ in the comments. If those women are for real, I might be up for a forced marriage.

  9. bartkid says:
    February 18, 2009 at 2:34 pm

    >spelled out backwards in pig latin and invisible ink
    Don’t forget in .pdf format, so IT’S NOT SEARCHABLE!!!11!

  10. Jay says:
    February 28, 2009 at 11:54 pm

    “He’s doing it in secret, in ways only conservatives seem to be able to decipher. Please, get the truth out!”

    Clearly, we liberals never received the Little Orphan Annie secret decoder ring in the mail like we were supposed to.