Oliver Willis

(WASHINGTON) — Sen. Barack Obama shocked the political world today by choosing to have seven running mates in this fall’s presidential elections. The names of Hillary Clinton, John Edwards, Wesley Clark, Bill Richardson, Jim Webb, Katherine Sebelius, and Al Gore have all been bandied about as possible vice-presiential candidates, but Sen. Obama decided to choose them all.

Speaking on a stage three times the length of the average stage, Obama introduced his running mates, promising that “The seven of us are the change we’ve been waiting for. Not only are these great people, but they appeal to numerous demographics and regions of the country. We have it covered: military, women, hispanics, and of course the coveted Nobel Prize winner groupies who Mark Penn highlighted as one of his likely Microtrends^TM for 2008.”

Phil Sancomo, a political scientist at Lower Western Maryland Polytechnic opined that “Obama is taking the Powell doctrine and applying it to the political campaign. He plans to overwhelm the McCain campaign with sheer numbers of running mates.” Campaign insiders said that Obama’s running mates would fly on their own plane due to space limitations aboard the main campaign plane, and they would be deployed via parachute to swing districts. Al Gore is expected to be the first deployment, dropped somewhere on the outskirts of Des Moines, Iowa with a parachute on his back and a Macbook loaded with his global warming presentation strapped to his chest.

Details for further deployments were sketchy, but the campaign would neither confirm nor deny the rumor that Florida would be surrounded on its eastern, western, and southern coasts by Sebelius, Webb, and Clinton.

At least one rainforest is expected to be wiped out by the amount of paper needed to print the lawn signs for the mammoth ticket. “Nobody tell Gore,” said Sen. Jim Webb.