The First Term: Echoing John McCain, Oliver Willis Looks Back From 2013
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2013. Wow, we’re finally here. It feels like just yesterday it was 2008 and the world was so different from how it is now, in 2013. My, how things have changed! And strangely, everything changed for the better, especially for me. It’s as if I wrote a fictional account of how things would change and just wrote it from a positive point of view or something stupid like that.
Anyway.
My Abs, Circa 2013
I am now in my third year as a male model, I just completed the Esquire “Abs O’ The Month” photo shoot and next Tuesday that issue of Men’s Vogue with me as “The Perfect Package” will be on newsstands. It’s weird how after a lifetime of on and off dieting I suddenly chose a sensible workout plan and developed six pack abs with two extra abs to spare. The world can really change in five short years.
Jessica in all her gear for what we call “movie night”
That’s what I often tell my wife, Jessica Alba. I’ve adopted her child as my own, without protest from the biological father, and right now she carries our spicy milk chocolate child. Here in 2013 Jessica Alba regularly brags to her friend that her husband is satisfying in every way possible. And by that she means our love life is totally awesome. And every third night we have what we call a “guest star” making a cameo at my 17 bedroom mansion. Beyonce, don’t let all of fiscal year 2013 pass without another visit.
In 2013, I count my money like Uncle Scrooge.
Back in 2008 when I wrote this looking back at 2013, I had no idea that I would simultaneously buy a winning lottery ticket, invest in the 5 fastest growing companies in America, in addition to my newfound ability to urinate pure gold. Like our president, John Sidney McCain, everything just went totally right for me.
In 2013, my life has 100% more Katharine McPhee
Granted, there are downsides here in the year 2013. My phone number is unlisted thanks to the endless stream of phone calls from my former lovers. I would have thought Rihanna, Katharine McPhee, and supermodel Gisele Bundchen could get on with their lives, but you would be wrong. In 2013, it is really tough to avoid a supermodel.
In 2013, John McCain is still hugging George W. Bush
Like Senator McCain I have the ability to write from the future and see only the most rosy of scenarios occurring. You can’t let the cockiness get to you. After I cured AIDs, Cancer and Freckles on a lazy Sunday afternoon, I was on top of the world – ready to conquer all. Karma noticed and it was an entire week before I cured a major communicable disease like Jock Itch.
I write this letter from the future to encourage my fellow Americans back in the past to vote for John McCain in order to secure a future as awesome as mine.
Time runs short and while there is much to tell you about this utopian future (my children, for instance, poop rainbows) I must go now. Jessica has an insatiable appetite on days that end in “Y” and I enjoy putting my Emmy, Oscar and Peabody awards on the bedside table so I can bask in the glow of my awesomeness.
Oliver from 2013
It’s Pretty Freaking Awesome Here
24 Responses to “The First Term: Echoing John McCain, Oliver Willis Looks Back From 2013”
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The views on this site are mine and mine alone, and do not reflect the views of my employer, Media Matters for America
© 2000-2011 Oliver Willis
“now she carries our spicy milk chocolate child”
lol.
Hilarious, loved it. It was a rosy scenario he painted. I think John McCain has lost all of his marbles.
Not to worry–Holey Joementum also checked McLame’s marbles when he checked his bearings.
(standard EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW reference)
This has to be one of the funniest things I ever read. I’m at work so I can’t LOL, but seriously, this is hilarious. I only hope my future life is half as good as yours. Great writing!
I’ve was never prouder than when you and Mom adopted me.
The Ferarri is low on gas, can you advance me until allowance day?
What, no Pulitzer?
Wanker.
The Ferarri is low on gas, can you advance me until allowance day?
Just take the hydrogen hovercraft for today, ok?
Why would you take the hovercraft or Ferrari? BECAUSE WE CAN ALL FLY NOW.
Now, now. No arguing in front of the first American to be named Secretary General of the U.N. Didn’t you hear the trumpet fanfare when I came in?
Unlike Oliver, I invented something truly useful and made the human body stop aging after 24. We get smarter and more awesome everyday.
Just my little bit for humanity. Catching the next pod for the moon now. The have the most kickass clubs there. Low gravity wall moshing rocks.
I invented something truly useful and made the human body stop aging after 24.
Wait a minute. Didn’t I see a movie about this?
Seriously, tho. A long litany of how wonderful things will be after four years of President McCain and not one even fleeting mention of how any of it would be done.
Seems like another opportunity for the Dems should they want to, y’know, actually confront their opposition. Take the list of things that will be great under McCain and hammer him with it. Make “And just how are you going to do that, John?” as well known as “got milk?”.
That was funny stuff. My prediction … cars are no more, everyone has a Fusionman jetpack.
It please me that you like the blessings I have granted you, Oliver. As your God-Emperor, I only demand one thing in return: Don’t come near me with a glass of water.
you’re killing me. brilliant. but seriously, abs of steel or not, you’ll have to fight me for jessica…even in 2013.
Obama ’08
LOL!!! Dude, this is one of your finer posts.
Funny post.
Vision-casting is, of course, one of the things that leaders do. It’s what JFK did when he said that we would land a man on the Moon before the end of the decade of the 1960s. And, to some extent I guess, some of the technologies needed to pull off that dream had not been full developed when Kennedy enunciated the goal.
But it would have been nice for Senator McCain to have given some indication as to how these visions would be accomplished.
Mark Daniels
But it would have been nice for Senator McCain to have given some indication as to how these visions would be accomplished.
Why, by continuing tax breaks for the extremely wealthy and staying in Iraq for 100 years.
And adding Effexor© to the world’s water supply.
No, no, no, Andrew. All doorways serve double duty as teleport gates. Tell it where you want to go and you’re there. All those old fashioned roads are really parkways now.
Thanks – gave me a really good laugh.
You’re abs!
YOU’RE ABS!
you freaking win at LIFE!
Damn, I would have bet the farm that the #1 change in your life by 2013 was when you replaced Drew Carey as the host of The Price Is Right!
Hilarious!! This needs to be made into a video and get widely distributed.
Can I borrow your glasses? Because I wanna see my rosy future too.