Oliver Willis

MR. WILLIS: I want to thank everyone for being here. I’ve got a quick statement and then I’ll take questions.

As you may have heard, the rumor that Jessica Alba and I, Oliver Willis are an item, has been running rampant over multiple Internets. Our best intelligence indicates that the tubes are filled with high level chatter about the alleged affair between myself and Jessica. At this time I can neither confirm or deny these rumors, yet continue to encourage any and all guys with websites to continue reporting this story in the most certain of terms. Yes, one person claimed to see Ms. Alba and I “canoodling” when in fact as far as I can say we were “hobnobbing” with the occasional “lollygag” by myself and Jessica, according to a source that is me. The rumor has legs.

I’d like to announce my upcoming book on this alleged affair entitled: If I Did Her: Oliver Willis on the Relationship He May Or May Not Be Having With Jessica Alba. The book details what would happen if, perchance, I were to have had an affair with Jessica Alba. It’s a work of non-fiction fiction due next spring from Reganbooks along with a tie-in game for the Nintendo Wii. We do things with the wireless controllers nobody’s ever seen before.

Ok, questions. Stretch?

Q: Oliver, are you dating Jessica Alba?

MR. WILLIS: Schmaby.

Q: Yes or no?

MR. WILLIS. That’s a complicated question David. It could maybe very well violate national security to give you an answer.

Q: National security?

MR. WILLIS: Imagine if you will a love that burns as strong as a nuclear missile. One could quantify that as a weapon of mass destruction. Now, to reveal my love for Jessica Alba and hers for me could give away the location of WMDs. I know you in the press would love that, but I love America too much.

Q: What? That makes no sense.

MR. WILLIS: Yes it maybe does or doesn’t. Carl?

Q: Questions swirl that you’ve made this whole thing up to advance the secular progressive agenda being pushed by liberal Democrats.

MR. WILLIS: I resent the innuendo that I made this up. You don’t know that. There are knowns, there are known knowns, and unknown knowns. Jessica Alba is smoking hot. That’s a known known. Why are you even asking me this? Helen.

Q: Can you tell us why you got into this possible affair in the first place?

MR. WILLIS: The quick answer would be that I did it all for the nookie. The long answer I haven’t thought of yet. Ok, now in the tradition of Tony Snow I’m going to answer the rest of your questions off the record. I will step one inch to the right in order to complete the transformation.

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SENIOR OLIVERWILLIS.COM OFFICIAL: Yes, so, Jessica and I, er… Oliver are getting married. She has a baby bump, make sure you write that in big letters.

Q: But you just denied…

SENIOR OLIVERWILLIS.COM OFFICIAL: I didn’t deny anything. I just got here. I’m a senior official, and not Oliver Willis. Unless I do takebacks. And currently, takebacks are not in effect.

Q: So, how did the two of you meet?

SENIOR OLIVERWILLIS.COM OFFICIAL: It was fate. She was out doing grocery shopping, I … Oliver … was following her RFID chip I … he … implanted on my portable GPS monitor. We “bumped” into each other and just a few post-hypnotic suggestions later she was putty in my … his … arms. Last question.

Q: Isn’t this all ridiculous? You’re pushing this rumor and making stuff up on the fly.

SENIOR OLIVERWILLIS.COM OFFICIAL: 9-11 changed everything. Some people think we ought to just let terrorists kill us all. I think I ought to date Jessica Alba and have gloriously bronze-skinned babies instead. But that’s just me, and I happen to love America. Maybe you guys in the press think it’s okay to shove old ladies down steps.

I. Think. That’s. Wrong.

God bless America.