Oliver Willis

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Lord Vader: Good evening. I’m having this press conference today in order to counter some of the headlines you’re reading in the media. You know, it’s interesting how the mainstream media is always looking on the downside of things. Yes, it’s true that the rebel alliance isn’t completely crushed as of yet, but they ignore the progress the Empire has made thus far. What of the labor camps on Rebulon? The death purges on Phlanges 3? And I have yet to read a headline about The Great Ewok Cleansing. A more cynical sith lord would say that the liberal media isn’t reporting the whole story. Ok, Helen?

Q: Lord Vader, some reports indicate that the stormtroopers are insufficiently armored, that they have been inadequately trained and have been referred to as simply  cannon fodder . How do you respond to that?

Lord Vader: I don’t find those sort of characterizations helpful, and I would prefer to not respond to anonymous quotes. That said, I resent the hate speech against our glorious stormtroopers. It represents this sort of… hate speech that is so embraced by the  Hate The Empire left. It’s not patriotic, and is frankly a violation of the Empire’s Lack of Freedom of Speech Act we imposed in order to fight terrorists. Next.

Q: There are rumors that you might be stepping down due to ill health.

Lord Vader: There are no such rumors.

Q: There are no such rumors.

Lord Vader: You admire my bold leadership style.

Q: I admire your bold leadership style.

Lord Vader: Next.

Q: My Lord, are there any further plans to communicate the value of membership in the Empire to other nations? And by communicate, I mean, a series of invasions.

Lord Vader: Well… wait a minute, are you from FOX News?

Q: Yes my Lord.

Lord Vader: Fantastic! I just want to tell you I love the O’Reilly Factor. I often wish I could just tell the enemies of the Empire to just  shut up . But I just kill them. And  Fair and Balanced — what a great concept! I’ve often told the other folks in the Empire leadership that simply making things up is the best propaganda we could ever think of. You guys at FOX, you make our job so much easier. I salute you. Next, Jeff…

Q: Jeff Gannon, Talon News. Lord Vader, beloved leader and master sith lord, some of your political opponents  like Viceroy Reid  have mocked your bold and decisive economic policies. They claim that there are bread lines on Tatooine, water shortages on Naboo  how can you work with people so disconnected from reality?

Lord Vader: It’s hard, Jeff. Real hard. It’s hard work to go about dominating the universe when there are these constant whinings about  freedom and  civil rights and protests against  intergalactic facist domination . My job isn’t easy. I yearn for the day when the entire known universe is under the yoke of the Empire, but I must deal with the nattering nabobs of negativism both in the political classes and in the mainstream media in order to further our oppresive agenda. It is hard work.

Q: A follow-up sir…

Lord Vader: Yes?

Q: I believe you forgot to leave the credits on the bedside table last night.

Lord Vader: Did I?

Q: Yes sir.

Lord Vader: I paid you in full for your sexual services.

Q: You paid me in full for my sexual services.

Lord Vader: My mask and the heavy breathing is erotic.

Q: Your mask and the heavy breathing is erotic.

Lord Vader: Well, thank you all for attending this press conference. I do hope that the threatened penalty of death was not too nerve-wracking for you. Those of you in the biased or neutered press may return to your organizations. The rest of you are doomed to death in the sarlac pits. May the Force bless the Empire, and nowhere else.